May Wrap-up

Breaking down the mishandled stress and reviewing the stupidity that was May 2023 in Chicago.

Hug it out, it’ll be ok.

OG Lightfoot and Lightfoot v2.0 split responsibilities as the reigns of stupidity were peacefully handed over mid-month. While OG wrapped up her tenure with over 15k shot, v2.0 got off to a strong start with a notably violent, stress mishandling Memorial Day weekend.

May 2023: 65 killed, 274 wounded
May 2022: 66 killed, 290 wounded
May 2021: 70 killed, 333 wounded
May 2020: 85 killed, 314 wounded
May 2019: 57 killed, 202 wounded
May 2018: 54 killed, 265 wounded
May 2017: 59 killed, 269 wounded
May 2016: 69 killed, 339 wounded
May 2015: 50 killed, 281 wounded
May 2014: 47 killed, 230 wounded
Avg May: 62 killed, 280 wounded

A breakdown of the month’s idiocy shows:

• 59 shot & killed

• 2 stabbed

• 2 beaten

• 2 blunt force

• 0 shot by police

• 2 CPD officers shot, 1 fatally

• 4 homicide-linked arrests

• A person shot every 2 hrs 14 mins

• A homicide every 11 hrs 27 mins

• 4 mass shootings – 17 shot, 3 fatally

• 9 homicide-free days

• 57 males killed vs 10 females

• 56 Blacks, 6 Hispanics, 5 White/Other

• 3 children 12 and younger shot, 0 fatal

• 59 teenagers shot, 7 fatally

• Homicide age range: 15-69

• Team Austin led w/ 29 shot, 4 fatally

• 3rd District led w/ 42 shot, 9 fatally

• Expressway shootings: 6 shot, 1 fatal

• 18 grazed

• 6 selfies

• 19 #ShotInTheAss

• 1 Peacekeeper “mishandled the stress”

Our forecast for the final month of Spring Training of 60 homicides and 275 shot and wounded was nearly dead on. If only that sort of prognostication applied to something more useful like stocks or the sportsbook. Anyway, as for June, we see more of the same as the Summer of Joy 2 finds its rhythm and lead continues to meet flesh no matter how many yellow vests hang out on street corners. Look for June to post 70 homicides and 295 shot and wounded by month’s end.

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Official Lowlights

New names, same stats.

As is the usual practice of the CPD, they haven’t officially posted all of May’s nonsense yet, but through May 28th we can see those red-colored percentages mean overall crime is still up aside from a dip in murders. Note, the red 9% displayed for the % Change 2023 - 2020 for murder will turn green thanks to the 30 homicides that were racked up in the final days of May 2020. Take that 2020!

As for May homicides, the CPD officially tallied 62 murders whereas we counted 65 homicides (there’s a difference between the two). The was a homicide on I290 which is the jurisdiction of the Illinois State Police and doesn’t count towards the CPD’s stats. We suspect the other two come from the double homicide late on the 31st where it wasn’t 100% known at the time if it was a homicide or a car accident – it ended up being a homicide.

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1000 Caught Lead

Custom Chalkie binder (full of women!).

It took slightly longer than average to reach the 1000 shot mile marker on the stupidity expressway this year, but with the favorable conditions forecasted through fall, we expect the pace to pick up a bit.

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The Trend Continues

In the end, just two days of the Lightfoot era ended up going shooting free, Nov 18, 2019, and Jan 7, 2020. To repeat that stat for those in the cheap seats, just two shooting-free days in four years.

Speaking of four years, OG Lightfoot ended her term with more than 15,000 shot, whch easily beat Rahm’s second term by over 2,000. If you care to take a walk down memory lane, there’s a Stack for that:

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Video of the Month

With so many silly decisions recorded and posted for all to see, we decided that a Spirit Airlines commercial would be best:

Spirit Airlines flight 1234 from Miami, your baggage and flight club will be found at baggage claim 2.

Blow by blow: https://twitter.com/ChicagoCritter/status/1661051808150691840?s=20

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Mishandle the Stress in Style

New! The Peacekeepers will be fanning out across our fine metropolis sporting their trademark yellow vests to thwart silly deeds and force a reevaluation of eminent poor life decisions. Since not everyone can get their hands on a Governor-funded and approved yellow vest, we’ve designed not one, but three t-shirts that are just as good and you too can “mishandle the stress”. Check them out at shopjackass.com.

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If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. Our goal is to push out one long form post a week in addition to our regular stats focused posts. Thanks and remember “We don't want nobody nobody sent”.