Chicago Airing of Grievances
As is tradition on this day, Festivus begins with Airing of Grievances where we get to tell some people in this city how they've disappointed us.
We've got a lot of problems with some people! And now you're gonna hear about it!
Politics
Unfortunately, we have to start here because it’s Chicago and we have a well established track record of poor performance. It’s hard to believe that a job that has fewer requirements than a fast food cashier attracts those that have even less of a skillset.
You, Lightfoot
Where to even begin… do we start with the immediate hot takes on a national story vs the delayed or outright silence when it comes to something here in town? (See “sick of this shit”.) Or start with nuking small businesses with your asinine vaccine mandates and other “tRusT tHe $ciEnCe!” restrictions? Or how about closing the lakefront during the summer as if the path was some sort of magical barrier that saved grandma from the vitamin D soaked sandy beaches found on the east side of the pavement? Moar of tHe $ciEnCe! we'll assume. Maybe it’s the inflation pegged automatic property tax increases, then inflation goes ape shit? Well done. How about your pro-criminal, anti-cop bias all while turing your abode into a make shift Green Zone surrounded by dozens of assumingly ista-phobic cops you claim to detest? Or maybe we start with claiming to have the largest unit in town? Encrypted scanners maybe? City finances? City services?
Instead, we’ll stick with crime since that’s what we track every day and it’s probably what you’re best known for. For years we were told “it’s not as bad as the nineties'', and we would tend to agree, but then there was that last weekend in May 2020 where everything went to shit and has yet to recover. It’s all up, from property crimes to homicides and everything in between. Yeah, yeah, “crime is down” from the peak last year, but strutting around like a peacock claiming three straight years of 700+ homicides, 10,000+ people shot and record carjackings is somehow worthy of a ticker tape parade down State St. is simply stupid. Maybe we can get a single day without a shooting first, then you can start working on your “crime is down” strut.
Admittedly we’re torn here. You are good for business. Your ineptitude in fighting crime pushes the stats higher which in turn pushes our traffic higher, plus your T-shirt worthy statements have performed better than we could have ever imagined. However, what’s good for our business is bad for Chicago, really bad for Chicago. During this Festivus season we’d very much prefer to see a better Chicago resulting in worse performance for us. After all, we’re no more immune from your policies as you are from Covid.
David Brown
We understand that the job of police superintendent is political. We don’t expect you to don a cape and fight crime. We don’t even expect you to respond to calls like your predecessors McCarthy and Johnson did on occasion. What we do expect is for you to 1) back the men and women of the CPD and 2) be in town and not back home in Dallas.
When it comes to backing the men and women of the CPD, you don’t seem to care much which we’ll attribute to being an interloper. Being quick to throw an officer under the bus, changing schedules and days off at a moments notice and limiting enforcement by no chasing by foot or vehicle and the like has resulted in a spike in officer suicides and low moral coupled with flatout fatigue.
As for being in town and given your interloper status, it’s assumed that you jet off to Dallas on a regular schedule. We’ve noticed time and time again when something newsworthy occurs, such as a young child getting shot, you’re never at the mic, never. McCarthy or Johnson did that sort of thing more times than not. You either have stage fright or simply aren’t around. We’ll assume the latter.
Kim Foxx
The awful ista-phobic police can only do so much. It’s up to you as the Cook County State's Attorney to see things through. There is no seeing through with you as a pro-criminal, anti-cop, social justice warrior like the rumored well endowed mayor. The spike in crime comes largely from there being no threat of consequences (SAFE-T Act starts Jan 1!). Shoplift some fancy goose down coats and possibly get arrested? So what, out and home in time for dinner with no charges sticking because justice. Shoot someone in the face for lord knows what genius reason? Post a grand or two, maybe get a custom ankle bracelet and off you go, just please don’t shoot anyone else in the face. That sort of behavior is frowned upon. 🙁 Justice!
Honorable mentions
We could go on and on here so we’ll just stick with the Three Stooges for now. We could probably do a Stack or two on everyone, but this is Festivus after all and we’ll never get to the Feats of Strength if we don’t wrap this up soon. So the last of our non-essential political figure grievances go to:
JB Pritzker
Toni Preckwrekle
Tom Dart
Tim Evans and the Cook County judiciary
Eric “we don’t have time for this shit” Carter
Nearly all of the 50 aldercreatures
Chicago Corporate Media
Chicago voters - these people easily won their respective elections. Therefore it’s our fault. Elect clowns, expect a circus.
Want to add to our list or expand on the ones currently presented? Air away below.
Sportsball
We don’t watch as much sportsball as we once used to and for good reason, it’s mostly bad. If it weren’t for the miracle invention of the sportsbook app, sportsball engagement would be less than a CPS high school student during “screen school”.
Blackhawks
JFC. For a time they were the marquee franchise in the NHL, but they’ve now reverted back to their early 2000s self. Expensive tickets for the greatest shitshow on ice.
Bears
Woof. See Blackhawks but switch leagues and less ice.
Cubs
Patience… only another 100 years or so to go before another title unless we collectively stop going to the games, stop buying overpriced beers, stop with the Frankenstiened rooftops and stop with the over corporatized Wrigleyville. But like our politicians, we just can’t quit you.
Sox
Don’t care.
Bulls
No Jordan, who cares?
Want to add to our list or expand on the ones currently presented? Air away below.
We Come to the Feats of Strength
As we mentioned above, we could probably go on and on all day, but we still have to get to the Feats of Strength so we’ll leave it here. If you would like to air your own grievance(s) about Chicago or even about us, please have at it below in the comments.
Have a wonderful Festivus, a Merry Christmas and a safe and prosperous New Year.
One Last Thing… Speaking of Good For Business
As we mentioned above about Lightfoot being good for business, our Biggest Dick shirt is a prime example. Within six hours of learning about this infamous phrase, we posted this tee on the site as a joke thinking no one in their right mind would walk around in a shirt like this. Whoooo boy, were we wrong. This ten minute masterpiece ended up being one of our biggest sellers for 2022.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. Our goal is to push out one long form post a week in addition to our regular stats focused posts. Thanks and remember “We don't want nobody nobody sent”.
On target with the sports analysis. As someone who worked for 3 of the 5 mentions indirectly, but witnessed in-your-face day to day operations, the spectacle all but collapsed after Covid and the inability to traverse the City without the fear of being a crime victim in some way, shape or form.
I'll accept some responsibility as a Chicago voter... but, in fairness, we haven't exactly had stellar options on the ballot. Again to be fair, when she was running for mayor, Lightfoot didn't look that bad. If she's reelected though, you might want to start looking for "for real" voter fraud. Fool me once...
Give me an option other than bad vs. worse and I promise I'll vote for them. How about founding an Hey Jackass! Party? I'll vote a straight ticket.