January in Chicago
A string of frigid, sub-zero days helped keep a lid on the nonsense for part of the month while solving the age-old issues of Middle East peace and climate change handled the rest via transference.
A breakdown of the month’s non-demonizable, silly decisions because root causes shows:
27 shot & killed
3 stabbed
3 beaten
1 strangled
1 shot by police, non-fatal
3 homicide-linked arrests
A person shot every 5 hrs4
A homicide every 21 hrs 53 mins
0 mass shootings
11 homicide-free days
30 males killed vs 4 females
26 Blacks, 5 Hispanics, 3 White/Other
4 children 12 and younger shot, 1 fatally
25 teenagers shot, 6 fatally
Homicide age range: 2-74
Team Garfield Park led w/ 16 shot, 2 fatally
11th District led w/ 20 shot, 1 fatally
1 reported expressway shooting, fatal
13 grazed
5 selfies
2 #ShotInTheAss
Looking ahead, February always marks the low point of the year which may yield a “remarkable” decrease in the increase. February is also heavily contingent on how the weather plays out – snow and/or cold will suppress turnout, while more spring-like days tend to promote lead flight. As we’ve forecasted with most past Februarys, we’re looking for around 40 homicides with another 125 shot and wounded. Spring training arrives in March when practice begins ahead of the annual Mostly Peaceful, Often Violent, DNC-peaking Summer of Silly Decisions.
In With the Pb
As is now tradition, on New Year's Eve/New Year's Day we count the minutes until the first person catches celebratory lead for the new year. Rarely do with have to wait very long but this year there was some disagreement as to who was first. After the hangovers cleared it appears as if the first person shot caught a round falling from the heavens. Unlike the mysterious shooting at Sox Park this past summer, we’re not aware of the victim hiring a lawyer and having Mayor Conehead run interference.
Related to the first-person shot is the massive number of rounds picked up by Shotspotter during those first couple of hours of the new year. Granted, Shotspotter isn’t everywhere and is likely to be nowhere if Conehead gets his wish, but the volume of rounds fired must mean ammo prices have come down in Indiana. It’s always Indiana’s fault.
Out With The Stupid
The latest crop of cosplaying Marxist retards know little on how the real world works and haven’t the faintest clue on how to get anything done. Instead of spending time focusing on Chicago, this crew spent much of the month panty-twisting over a useless and meaningless “Gaza ceasefire resolution”.
It was a nailbiter of a vote coming down to Conehead himself having to break the tie by having to push the big, red YES button as it was the only one available. However, in true Chicago Way fashion, the resolution would have failed if everyone had shown up for their part time job.
Now that peace has broken out all across the Middle East (at least until the bombing starts this weekend), we asked what should these idiots focus on next. It would seem as if a new Death Star is most popular amongst the common folks. If the city can handle 20,000 “new neighbors” with ease, lose an Olympic bid and gum up the Great Chicago Fire Festival, building a small moon shouldn’t be an issue. Just imagine those no-bid contracts.
Alternative takes 😂
Social Media Is Hard!
This crew can’t even write a simple tweet without first lifting the copy from years ago, albeit lifting it poorly. Fortunately, this hung out there just long enough to grab a screenshot.
11 Years of Tees ‘n’ Crap
January also marked 11 years of tracking this nonsense. Thanks to everyone who visited, liked, tweeted, posted, promoted, verbally accosted someone by calling them a jackass, emailed us, hit the tip jar, and/or picked up some tees or other crap these past 11 years. We add new merch to our shop all the time as a way to not only defer costs but keep the site relatively light on annoying ads.
Social Dumpster Fires
We’ve cut down our social media presence to just those places we feel kind of work for us including the platform you’re on now (and not Facebook). Check us out on these other platforms if you haven’t already done so:
X: https://twitter.com/w_h_thompson
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heyjackasschicago/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@HeyJackass
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. And remember “We don't want nobody nobody sent”.
Evidently, our LOCAL government is so advanced that it now has FOREIGN policy!
As a Jewish Native Chicagoan, allow me to say that Mayor Brandon, Chicago's Johnson, makes me feel so safe to visit Chicago that I'm not leaving the American Southwest.